This weekend i got an email from jimmy.  Lucky me.  Jimmy writes..."hey squirrel, I don't think you should use the phrase, "god thinks you suck."  I think it has been used before and you should be better than using a tired phrase.  I suggest you change it to, "god thinks you're defective.""
Well gee, isn't that special for jimmy to comment on my post?  jimmy, I have some advice for you, "screw off."

open letter, regarding the firing of a beloved national treasure:

Dear Spineless School Board Administrators responsible for my ouster,

Every day I do not write, and teach what I have written, the world gets dumber. Shame on you. God thinks you suck.

-Squirrel

terminated

Downside of non-union teaching job - fired yesterday by spineless administrators for calling students "a sea of knobby heads" in public blog. Upside of being fired - unemployment checks.

What I did last summer...none of your business

Let me catch you up on what I have been doing: avoiding everything. I wanted/needed the summer off. Off. But, I was out of money. So, I decided to be a teacher. I figured I fit the profile. I need a job, I want summer off. Teacher. I took the job. Well, summer ended. Fast forward to November 1st, I had already started my job as a literature teacher and I was sitting at the head of the classroom, and I had given the students one of my blog posts (the only literature worth the description) to read...and as I sat in that silent classroom today, staring out at the sea of little knobby heads that pass for a generation, the only noise I could hear was the large classroom clock. Tick Tock. It spoke to me with every lunge of the second hand. One - tick - more - tock - second - tick - gone - tock - forever. One - more - second - gone - forever. One - more.

if your god and my god were the same...

I would change gods.

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R-E-S-E-A-R-C-H

Screw off, jimmy. I read your latest crap on the doorstep of humanity, jimmywrites – Garbage Day . All lie-based innuendo. I am fine. What you saw, was me doing research for a new movie, or book, or mixed-media decoupage I am working on. A book, or movie, or a mixed-media decoupage, about how when a squirrel is on the "good" side of a drinking situation, he feels like everything is possible, and he is who he wants to be, and then that squirrel sleeps it off, and he wakes up sober, and when he is sober, it turns out he is the same pathetic schmuck he was before he started drinking the last time. And maybe one morning, regardless of the scheduled pick-up day, he musters up the initiative to take out the garbage...and that is the research I have been doing. It takes time and dedication. Art. Screw you, jimmy.

egad

...and jimmy says to me, "hello squirrel, i would like you to attend Happiness Quest! (trademarked) seminar and retreat with me this weekend, i'll pay, what do you say?" and i say to jimmy, "wtf is Happiness Quest!tm" and he says it is a chance to get away from your day-to-day, and figure out what is wrong, fix it, and get back to the essential, happy, real you. and i say, "bygones be bygones, is there a pool and a buffet? when do we leave?"
So we go, and let me tell you, jimmy is a mess. I listened to him talk and listened to him cry, and i wanted to cry, or laugh, no, cry. He did end up making me appreciate my manure pile of a life. I didn't learn a damn thing from Happiness Crapfest! (not trademarked)...but i learned more than a squirrel should ever know by watching jimmy implode. At one point during one of our retreat scheduled "beauty of he-ness: craft circle inner hug awareness group share times" he started crying, again, got up, hugged me, and taped a construction paper cut-out paperheart to my chest that signified me as his "panic buddy." if it wasn't for the pool and the kick-ass buffet, i would have walked home. anyway, enough jimmy detail...i went to try to get my head together so I can finish this flipping Vampuirrel trilogy, let's see what happens. Oh, and by the way, contrary to his blog, jimmy does NOT rock his speedo. egad.

if waistbands weren't meant to be violated, they wouldn't be stretchy

Since my last post, i have been having a bout with writer's block, and some other issues, and i noticed my pal/nemesis jimmy wasn't fairing too well himself. to catch you up...one of my girlfriends was cleaning my attic, literally, and stumbled across a book about a vampire bunny. This news set me back. I stared at the cover for what felt like an entire writing career. I thought i was on the forefront of sweetly innocent bloodsucking damnation. Alas, no. Anyway, fast forward a few days and I am slouching toward a nap in my sweat stained lay-z-squirrel recliner with my paw awkwardly hiding under the waistband of my underwear, and i get a phone call. It is jimmy...(tbc)

have not

Wow, I can't believe it is Friday already! Time is flying by like a screaming idiot with his head stuck out the window of a passing bullet train. Lucky for me, I am ready to WHOA! sorry, I just saw a snake. I hate snakes. What the hell!? I'll be right back...I just called animal control and they thought I wanted to get rid of a squirrel, then the whole conversation got really ugly. What a load of crap. I hate people. I changed my mind, the snake can stay, people have to go. On second thought, that was a little rash, the snake needs to go too. Where is my shovel? I gotta get out of here. If you didn't know me better, you might think this was yet another excuse so I can lie in bed counting arm hairs instead of working on my much anticipated trilogy. Now where was I?

another excuse

So, I ordered a pizza tonight, I was going have a quiet night at home, enjoy a little pizza, and tighten up Vampuirrel. About 30 minutes after I call in my pizza order, there is a knock on my door and I just opened it because I thought it was my pizza (pepperoni, mushroom, and cashew), but it was a girlfriend and she just talked and talked and said a whole bunch of stuff that had nothing to do with how my life would be better if I kept listening. In fact, after about 20 minutes of listening to her, some blood started to trickle out of my nose from an obviously girlfriend-chatter-induced brain hemorrhage. I dabbed the blood away with the end of my tail, and left my apartment for some space alone. I came back home an hour later to find my girlfriend and the pizza delivery guy eating my pizza. I refused to pay for it. I paid for it.

in the bag

yes, part one of the Vampuirrel trilogy, is in the bag, or the can, or whatever - done. so, instead of editing it and posting it to the blog, i went bowling to celebrate. this is a picture of the parking lot when I left the bowling alley. it was late, too late to use spell check on part one. i will post part 1 of Vampuirrel tomorrow, unless of course, i don't, because sometimes a squirrel needs to bowl, again. ever tried to find a 10 oz. bowling ball? my beer(s) weighed more. a lot more.

hey, are you squirrel? what was prison like?

where is the trilogy? they ask. Hey, all i am gonna say is that the ladies still wanna climb my tree...four legs, a tail, and this squirrel can't say no. There has been a slight delay (six days and a locksmith) to the start of...here comes the tease... "Vampuirrel! - Wish for Death." It is spring, and I am a squirrel, a couple of days "off" with a new lady should be expected, if not even demanded. do i have to say it again? it is spring, i am squirrel. Heck, i am even getting a little "distracted" right now by watching my hands gently working the subtle curves of my keyboard. gently, yet with a firm destined conviction to each keystroke, destiny, and lust. working.

love, lies, fame, and my curse

it is hard for me to remember what love was all about. you know, butterflies in your stomach love. i'll bet that is why mrs. squirrel hasn't come back. i lack the romantic. flowers? poetry? i don't know if i want you to believe i am special, or know that i am no different than you, does either belief help? anyone? i'll tell you what I can't believe, that it is Tuesday already. at this point i'll worry about just about anything rather than to start writing that damn vampire trilogy. but it is what the fools want. and I am but your slave. i squirrel: my curse, my genius; my gift, myself.

gigolo

sorry for the delay in posting, but i have been on a self-imposed sequestration. sure, i fancy myself a renaissance squirrel. a squirrel of many letters. and one of those talents is definitely the pen and prose. So, imagine my disgust as yet another "writer" makes a million bucks (it was in the newspaper yesterday) writing about vampires, trolls, or werewolves. hey, I don't blame the writer. I blame readers, you idiots out there who read the shite. so, true to my banner - a three part series is in your future, because all of these stories drag out in trilogies. It will have a vampire or vampire-like protagonist/antagonist, and some unrequited love, and i'll probably throw in some witches, trolls, werewolves and maybe a leprechaun, except the only chick i know whoever dug leprechauns was my grandmother...shout out to you grandpa, you little Irish butt-gas. anyway, I know in order to sell a book these days, you have to appeal to the LCHD (lowest common half-literate denominator), and i want my million bucks, I want my house back, i want my pool back, i want my Chagall back...part 1 with some ridiculously good-looking, blood-sucking, soul-challenged, self-tortured moron(s)... soon. give the idiots what they want, i am saying. i will post it for free, but when it gets made into a movie, I want my money.

squirrel is not home, leave a message

I bought a brand new telephoto lens yesterday. You know i tried to use ebay and gave up. Ebay is the worst; what happened in the last few years to make everybody think their junk is so valuable? No good deals anymore. I know, try Craigslist, but I heard everyone who uses Craigslist gets killed in their sleep by Craig. It's probably just a rumor. Anyway, it was Saturday in the late afternoon, I am out with my new lens and I see this idiot deer walking around and I am thinking to myself, "hey idiot, you are lucky your ancestors took care of your natural selection obligations, because if you didn't blend in with your surroundings so good, you'd be a bullet holder." I think, sort of, hard-nosed like that because I am a squirrel from the hard-knocks side of the street. BTW I know the photo is a little blurry, but jeezus, you've seen my hands, a 600mm telephoto lens is a bitch for me to handhold. Yeah baby, it is that big. I think I need a tripod. Speaking of, I kicked my girlfriend out last week. I'll check on Ebay for a tripod. You know, since I got out of jail, i have just been a little lost, nobody wants to hire a squirrel with a felony conviction, or really even without a felony conviction. If you are a squirrel and you can't ride a surfboard being pulled by a remote controlled boat - you don't work in this town. Let me sum it up, Wife - don't know anymore, anything. Kids - ?, maybe another one on the way, the girlfriend I kicked out was acting a bit nesty. Neighbors - ugh. Future - ?, jimmy doesn't seem to be biting on the "squirrel cap" business plan. Sorry loyal blog readers, I know no one wants to read the meanderings of a unmedicated squirrel who has not successfully re-integrated into civilian life, but you are all I've got. I get the deer now, hiding in the open. Camouflaged but completely vulnerable. He is me, except he doesn't have new telephoto lens...or a potentially pregnant girlfriend who will not stop knocking on the door. i gotta go.

squirrel cap

jimmy, your last post was so depressing, and i care about you, so, i thought i'd let in on the ground floor of something B-I-G. jimmy, i was taking a stroll around outside your house and i found this perfectly good squirrel cap near the road. It was a little dirty, but i cleaned it off and...what do you think? Pretty sharp, no? I think it makes me look rather dashing. I can't believe someone threw it out. Must have been a prototype? anyway, i think this may have been a bit of kismet, as even though i've never seen a squirrel wear a hat, when I found this beauty, I said to myself, what else could this be? It fits perfectly, and now, it has gotten my business juices flowing...i think squirrrel hats are ready to make a big fashion comeback - and i want to be the guy to sell you one. Sure, i got a warehouse full of unsold "free the squirrel" mugs and t-shirts, but I have a real good feeling about this idea. find a manufacturer. raise some capital. squirrel caps. B-I-N-G-O. ground floor, jimmy- it's not everyday something like this falls in your lap.

party at jimmy's!

so, jimmy, the wife and kids left in the mini-van for a day at grandma's...and about 20 minutes later, these fine young ladies show up on your beach furniture. So, of course, I snapped a photo, and am posting on my blog. what is this all about? are they business consultants? not-quite-so-old friends from college? or just maybe, three crazy gold digging chicks looking to bleed an old married guy, long past a prime he never had, out of every last penny he has stashed away? not that i care, but i did notice the ladies disappeared shortly after your cell phone rang and shortly before the old "ball and chain" pulled into the driveway. coincidence, or one sick and twisted old man? jimmy, they don't love you. oh, and what is up with the holes in the bottom of their feet? never mind, i don't want to know.

oh yeah, and i'll bet grandma would love to know that this little Spring Break Beach Party is what you meant by, "sorry nammy, can't make it out to see you today with the family, i need to stay home to fix a leaking sump pump hose...big leak, big all-day job...miss you, love you."

jimmy, jimmy, jimmy...love?

I went to jail for showing off my goods (and they are, goods). Is justice dead?

i think it is safe to say that a civil society would not tolerate the headline written as it appears in the newspaper article above. How about this for a headline..."Homicidal, Crazy, Stupid Son-of-a-Bitch - who should now be put jail for the rest of his miserable life - attemped to murder an innocent squirrel family as they got ready to sit down for a quiet evening."? Or no, let me guess, somehow this was all the squirrel's fault...yeah, sure, the squirrel-smoker was "nerve wracked" so, "displacing" a squirrel family is all okay? You people disgust me; time for you all to take long look in the mirror and accept a little responsibility for this world you propagate with blame and disease. Where is the outrage? Don't look around, look within. And now tell me, where is the outrage?

"little arse monkey" could be a compliment, right? it probably wasn't, but why get hung up on details? feck it, i'm irish!

whoa, passed out already. i woke up and grabbed my cell to text this before i forgot what a prophet said to me about 20 minutes, or so, ago, "fer chrissakes ye plonker, that's a sippin' whiskey...shite almighty." i'm going back in.

kiss my blarney nut

The photo is a close up of the socks I am wearing today, nice huh.

sometimes a squirrel just needs to get a little squeaky, and that day just might be today. i am pretty sure i am not irish, i think i am north american, but, well that raises a lot of questions, well not a lot, just one, but i forgot what it was, where was i? oh yes, getting my squeak on. Happy Saint Patrick's day.

a squirrel looks at the meaning of life and God - for an obviously distraught friend

i stand on the ground, and sometimes push up into the sky.
no one pushes back, but i don't fall off the earth.

now jimmy, with that, I have answered all you need to know about life and God, so quit writing about God like you expect an answer, and just smile jimmy. A smile helps hide your stupidity, without betraying your cluelessness. A smile is the truth worth keeping.
you're welcome. i need a nap.

road trip

middle of the night and i am awake. i had a dream about a friend of mine and me driving to Vegas, but we ended up at Argonne National Laboratory, but it was in Batavia (i saw the water tower), which would clearly be Fermilab, so i was kind of confused, but then flashing red lights, like airport landing lights, started going off all around us on the street and a jumbo jet landed right in front of us, so we headed out in his car again, and now i was in the back seat and my friend reached back to hand me two sticks of gum and i don't know who was riding shotgun now and somehow we ended up (minus whoever was in the front seat) in our high school parking lot where some chipmunks were showing us homemade BB guns made out of compressed air canisters but then one of the chipmunks tried to take a pocketknife out of my pocket so i kicked at him and then it turns out i actually kicked my real-life nightstand so i woke up and now my toe hurts like heck and i started to think about all the crap in my life and couldn't fall back to sleep, so i got up when i absolutely had to poop, but what really really ticks me off is that i got cheated out of a trip to Vegas. And once it's gone, that's the kind of good time you can't get back.

i am working on a lot of things, this is just another one

i am a novelist. this is a short novella. it is a cold war era spy thriller packed with sexual intrigue and charged with sociopolitical insight. I suggest you get cozy with a blanket and your favorite tea...

it was night.
they met.
"a brass monkey cannot see" she whispered into his ear.
"and a stale-mate is to be avoided" he answered.
they then engaged in randiness.
the free world remained free.
for now.
well, no less free than it was before they met.
in the night.

nobody knows the troubles i can't see

my apartment is infested with ghosts. they're like frickin' termites around here. poltergeists - playful pain in my furry ass. i gotta move. most of my ex-wife's dead relatives are living here with me now. be gone. shoo. go to the goddarn light already. maybe if I can convince them it's the light from a walmart or a motel 6, then they'll go to the light. go to the light.

thoughts while cooking dirt

I hate dogs. Dogs and cops. Both loyal to their masters. Chase the squirrel. Arrest the squirrel. Why not? Why? Good god. Idiots.

your choice, my pleasure

i was out in the yard with my camera, not my yard, because my yard is now owned by the corporate overlords...but rather, a yard, and this painted thing caught my eye. when i frame something with my sensibility and in my camera's viewfinder, i am telling you what is important, you can agree, and enjoy my brilliance and your good judgement, or you can disagree and be miserable and stew in your repugnant ignorance. i waste too much time worrying about how stupid you may be. when i put it into words like that, it seems like a real mistake for me to care about you. good, that's one more concern i don't need to have. enjoy this photo, my fellow genius. or don't, idiot.

i'm working on a lot of things, and this is just one

i am a song writer. this is a song...to the tune of the "star-spangled banner"...

baby, i've got a two-lane heart,
do-wah,
a one-way wiener,
uh-ha,
and a do-not-enter anus,
sho-be-do,
baby,
sho-be do.

I could make a list, but let's see how long it takes her to fix this, before I waste any more of my time on improving her

You know what I don't like about my girlfriend? Every damn thing.

dingly?

OMG this is priceless... jimmywrites 28FEB2011. Your pointless ramblings have only become more pointless since you last posted, who knew that "more pointless" was even possible? Me! Because I believed in you jimmy. You are back, and so am I. Thank you jimmy. And, BTW, I can see in your backyard and you are not building a rocket...jimmywrites 1MAR2011. So is that your attempt at metaphor? You brilliant wart. And I was going to make fun of your tax trouble, but I had a bit of that myself, so...how about we start from there? A new beginning from common ground. A new beginning. All this love in the air makes me feel tingly in my dingly. WooHoo! Welcome back jimmy.

an open letter to jimmy on the day squirrels' earth stood relatively still

Dear jimmy,
You know this is not easy for me...but, I feel that the only way for me to get back on my feet, is maybe for you to start your blog again. I miss you. I need you. I know that I should take responsibility for my own life, or what is left of it. I know that you are, at your core, dung. And yet, I heart you man. So come on jimmy, quit hiding. If you want, I'll go easy on you. We all know you are a little dim, but that is the one endearing characteristic you exhibit. I say, go with it, jimmy. Show it off. Proudly let your character-defining lack of luster dull everything it tries, in desperation, to reflect. Write jimmy, write. I have no idea why, but since you stopped blogging, my life has turned into a turd-log parade without wheels. Is it coincidence? Probably, but I don't care. I am desperate. So here goes....Jimmywrites Barada Nikto. Jimmywrites Barada Nikto.
Your Pal,
Squirrel
BTW - I can see into your bedroom window from my new "apartment". Don't be ashamed. You have every reason to be ashamed, but don't be, i mean, shame is not going to improve your performance, is it? Jimmywrites Barada Nikto.