bruce, i love you.

AN APOLOGY FROM YOUR FCC

The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) is issuing the following statement: Squirrelwrites' blogposts have been taken down. Squirrel is guilty of a "wardrobe malfunction/oversight" in his last post. Regretfully, Squirrel has willfully violated community decency standards and had only this to say at his arraignment..."Thank you for making the star fairly large." end quote.

squirrel out

I am reduced to hiding from librarians and eating dumpster crackers. jimmy, I've got something special just for you, please check the photo. yes, for you.

4fnclosed

Well, if the world wasn't already taking a good long piss on yours truly, here it is, the last straw - kicked out of my house, and to add insult, the bankers spraypainted the Foreclosed notice on my Chagall and posted it. Right now I am hiding out in the bushes outside the library using their wifi to update you on being kicked out of my casa de squirrel. My old lady left me (and is pregnant) without a forwarding address. My own father had me served with a restraining order - I can't contact my mom in any way unless I want to also contact a judge and live in a have-a-heart. Mommy! Make no mistake, this is all jimmy's fault. grrr...jimmy.

shakespeare, shmakespeare

Sober...check.
Bored...check.
Smart, Cute, Furry, Loveable, and a whole big bunch of Sexy...check.
Every post I write could start, "i don't know...", because I don't, I wish I wasn't the only one who is admitting that...yoohoo, jimmy, are you paying attention?
People seem to want to know what i got mrs. squirrel for mother's day...she's not my mother. End of story. And for my mother, I thought it would be nice if she got something for me...I suggested it, she asked me what I needed, i said, "to be left alone on mother's day" she said, "Okay sweetheart, are you okay?" and i said, "look, i am going through a real rough patch right now, about all I need is cash...do you have any, I mean, how much could SHE need?" She asked, "Oh, baby doll, how much do you need?" and I said, "If you have to ask, it won't be enough. Happy Self-Centered Mother's Day, Mom."
Good God - I mean - that is what I mean by, " I don't know...", because I don't know why nobody understands what I need. Am I not allowed to be happy? Does no one care if I am happy? Oh, it's just all about you. Tame this shrew...End of story.

psa - squirrel style

this is a still photo of my new fish - hoochiemagoo - and 18 seconds audio of rain falling on the roof of my sun room. I am staying under the old lady's, and the FCC's, radar by not saying anything controversial or inflammatory - at least until I sober up. Turn it up! Guaranteed to make you wanna pee!

Happy Mother's Day

You will not be hearing from squirrelwrites today. It is Mother's Day, and he is not one.
-Mrs. Squirrel

wjfffffff

ok, i am drunk, i just want to be clear about that, turns out that mrs squirrel like hastas and she planted those in the picture and she doesn't much like me peeing on them and if i can't love hastas, how can i love her? right, tthat crazy bullshidt makes sence and jimmywrites lawyers are so far up my ass right now i ask them permishun before i swallow or blink. and thiss house, and thsii fukcking hoose, so awgufukc you...fk it

hostas - and, l love mrs squirrel

Look, I have a few items I need to take out of the nut jar - in reverse order of importance...number one - I'm not a salessquirrel, but not one single offer on my house? to hell with all of you. number two - jimmy's still crazy, I have not mentioned his blog, because I really think he should not be encouraged, but I want my loyal readers to know that jimmy has lawyers trying to shut me down as I type...I am not allowed to discuss the case, but let me just say this about jimmy -"putz." number three -I recognize that not everybody hates Hostas (pictured above), but I do. I took this picture right before I peed on them, I know it won't hurt them though, they cannot be destroyed, they take up valuable nut growing real estate. I hate them. number four - I had no idea my wife's friends read this blog...I have no interest your sister, baby, you are my number one, it was what we bloggers call, poetic license, she means nothing to me... i mean there is nothing wrong with her, she is nice, but she is not you, you saw the photo, she really needs to lose some weight, and your fleas, well, let me just say...you have the good kind. baby, sweetheart, there isn't a bushier tail than yours anywhere. i wrote that sister-in-law stuff to be funny for the blog, baby, it was just for the blog, you understand, I love you baby...somebody please buy my house, soon, very soon.

sister-in-law

This is a picture of my sister-in-law, she is attracted to me, I know how twisted it is, but I am irresistible, and in spite of her big knobby head, missing toe, fleas (not the good kind), and kind of, sort of, a drinking problem - I think she's sexy, dang sexy, look at her, looking at me, she either wants me or just stole something out of my house, either way, it's hot. dang. i gotta move, come on - someone buy my house before it is part of a settlement. please, I'm a squirrel with lots of needs and the devil is a temptress. $3.25mil, discounted as low as i can go, email offer to: bignuts@hugmymonkey.com

bird

I took this photo last night of a bird (American Goldfinch) by my pool. (House + Pool = $3.5mil)

count your blessings

Well, today's blog is just going to be a recap of my day, I spent pretty much the entire evening chasing the old lady around and around the tree. I'm tired. That's all I've got for you. Be grateful you are not the old lady.

day planner

You can never over underestimate the intelligence of a person.

squirrel chaser

The face of evil.

re: eye ball on jimmywrites 2May2009

Open letter to jimmy -
Dude, I think I pushed you a little hard. you are kind of a simple fellow (and I mean that in a charming, endearing "country" way, not in a "you are dumb hillbilly" way). Your last post about a rubber eye ball (http://www.jimmywrites.blogspot.com/) watching you was just a little goofy (and a lot crazy), and I blame myself, I engaged you in a war of words, and you ended up blistered by adjectives, broken by adverbs, and bloodied with expletives. You, jimmy, are a beaten man, and I am sorry. It was never much of a match, I should have seen that. That eye ball is not watching you. The only thing watching you, is me. and about that, count your blessings, I do have your best interests at heart, and I do have a heart. Trust me, jimmy. Trust me.
Your pal,
Squirrel

love poem

your gentle curves bring me back, keep me in, and never let me go
my love for you brings me back, keeps me in, and never lets go
my thoughts bring me back, keep me in, and never leave you, cashew

5 favorite nuts/seeds

1. Hickory Nuts - fresh from my tree ($3.5mil)
2. Cashews
3. Sunflower seeds
4. Pumpkin seeds
5. Macadamia nuts
I work on this list every morning, take a sanity check at lunch, with a review before bed. I welcome serious comment.

sand

I pee here. and here. HAHAHA

the truth

with imbeciles like jimmy controlling information and therefore, public sentiment, about squirrels, i was afraid that if i didn't take a stand (and that is why i started this blog), it will be considered OK to believe the jimmy spewed lies which reinforce the stereotype that all squirrels do is get high and screw. listen, the following is a typical day for me - take a leak, get a drink, hang out, check on my mates, hang out, take a nap, take a leak, get a drink, get a little crazy, maybe chew some weed, hang out, take a longer nap, get out of bed, take a leak, get a drink, maybe chew some weed, check my email, write my blog, check that moron jimmywrites blog (just to keep up on idiot logic), take a leak, call my lady, and see where that takes me...not exactly "get high and screw," is it, jimmy? blammo jimmy, right in your bread basket. hey jimmy, do you have a bread basket? with bread, in the basket?

lunch

I ate this. It was good. HAHAHA.

my house

this is a picture of my house, it is raining today so i am stuck inside of it, imagine me in there right now waving to you (or if you are jimmywrites and you are reading this - imagine me giving you the finger right now). anyway, this was taken by the real estate agent when i was going to sell a while ago, but right now, nothing is moving in my neighborhood, and you can see, i've got the best place, by far, in the neighborhood - that's what i get for moving to Hillbillyville, USA. anyway, i'm waiting out the market, for now, but if any of you are interested, the place is immaculate - but the Chagall is not included in the asking price. $3.5 million. email offers to: bignuts@hugmymonkey.com

mr. yellowhead

this is a friend of mine, he always listens to me when i just have a bunch of crap i gotta unload on somebody, he's always there for me, winter, summer, rain, snow, heat, fog, drizzle, sleet, snain, you get the idea...he's my guy, and i just wanted him to get a little love, for the lotta love he gives.

REBUTTAL to JIMMYWRITES

Recently, I had the misfortune to read an unfortunately typical piece of ethnocentric tripe titled "Squirrel Physics" at http://jimmywrites.blogspot.com/2009/04/squirrel-physics.html - Here is my answer to that:
Why are the only two choices, moron or thrill seeker? How about this choice: mildly disabled hard working citizen who needed to get home to his family on the other side of the street while attempting to avoid car-driving idiots who spend time trying to write their lame blogs rather than paying attention to the road. jimmy is a self-absorbed pox on the community, and he better hope I never meet up with him because I will be all over him like a mushroom cloud over a desert test site in the 1950's... By the way, is anyone interested in a good price on a signed Marc Chagall lithograph? I'm thinking of replacing it with an original. Go to hell, jimmy.