egad

...and jimmy says to me, "hello squirrel, i would like you to attend Happiness Quest! (trademarked) seminar and retreat with me this weekend, i'll pay, what do you say?" and i say to jimmy, "wtf is Happiness Quest!tm" and he says it is a chance to get away from your day-to-day, and figure out what is wrong, fix it, and get back to the essential, happy, real you. and i say, "bygones be bygones, is there a pool and a buffet? when do we leave?"
So we go, and let me tell you, jimmy is a mess. I listened to him talk and listened to him cry, and i wanted to cry, or laugh, no, cry. He did end up making me appreciate my manure pile of a life. I didn't learn a damn thing from Happiness Crapfest! (not trademarked)...but i learned more than a squirrel should ever know by watching jimmy implode. At one point during one of our retreat scheduled "beauty of he-ness: craft circle inner hug awareness group share times" he started crying, again, got up, hugged me, and taped a construction paper cut-out paperheart to my chest that signified me as his "panic buddy." if it wasn't for the pool and the kick-ass buffet, i would have walked home. anyway, enough jimmy detail...i went to try to get my head together so I can finish this flipping Vampuirrel trilogy, let's see what happens. Oh, and by the way, contrary to his blog, jimmy does NOT rock his speedo. egad.

if waistbands weren't meant to be violated, they wouldn't be stretchy

Since my last post, i have been having a bout with writer's block, and some other issues, and i noticed my pal/nemesis jimmy wasn't fairing too well himself. to catch you up...one of my girlfriends was cleaning my attic, literally, and stumbled across a book about a vampire bunny. This news set me back. I stared at the cover for what felt like an entire writing career. I thought i was on the forefront of sweetly innocent bloodsucking damnation. Alas, no. Anyway, fast forward a few days and I am slouching toward a nap in my sweat stained lay-z-squirrel recliner with my paw awkwardly hiding under the waistband of my underwear, and i get a phone call. It is jimmy...(tbc)

have not

Wow, I can't believe it is Friday already! Time is flying by like a screaming idiot with his head stuck out the window of a passing bullet train. Lucky for me, I am ready to WHOA! sorry, I just saw a snake. I hate snakes. What the hell!? I'll be right back...I just called animal control and they thought I wanted to get rid of a squirrel, then the whole conversation got really ugly. What a load of crap. I hate people. I changed my mind, the snake can stay, people have to go. On second thought, that was a little rash, the snake needs to go too. Where is my shovel? I gotta get out of here. If you didn't know me better, you might think this was yet another excuse so I can lie in bed counting arm hairs instead of working on my much anticipated trilogy. Now where was I?

another excuse

So, I ordered a pizza tonight, I was going have a quiet night at home, enjoy a little pizza, and tighten up Vampuirrel. About 30 minutes after I call in my pizza order, there is a knock on my door and I just opened it because I thought it was my pizza (pepperoni, mushroom, and cashew), but it was a girlfriend and she just talked and talked and said a whole bunch of stuff that had nothing to do with how my life would be better if I kept listening. In fact, after about 20 minutes of listening to her, some blood started to trickle out of my nose from an obviously girlfriend-chatter-induced brain hemorrhage. I dabbed the blood away with the end of my tail, and left my apartment for some space alone. I came back home an hour later to find my girlfriend and the pizza delivery guy eating my pizza. I refused to pay for it. I paid for it.

in the bag

yes, part one of the Vampuirrel trilogy, is in the bag, or the can, or whatever - done. so, instead of editing it and posting it to the blog, i went bowling to celebrate. this is a picture of the parking lot when I left the bowling alley. it was late, too late to use spell check on part one. i will post part 1 of Vampuirrel tomorrow, unless of course, i don't, because sometimes a squirrel needs to bowl, again. ever tried to find a 10 oz. bowling ball? my beer(s) weighed more. a lot more.

hey, are you squirrel? what was prison like?

where is the trilogy? they ask. Hey, all i am gonna say is that the ladies still wanna climb my tree...four legs, a tail, and this squirrel can't say no. There has been a slight delay (six days and a locksmith) to the start of...here comes the tease... "Vampuirrel! - Wish for Death." It is spring, and I am a squirrel, a couple of days "off" with a new lady should be expected, if not even demanded. do i have to say it again? it is spring, i am squirrel. Heck, i am even getting a little "distracted" right now by watching my hands gently working the subtle curves of my keyboard. gently, yet with a firm destined conviction to each keystroke, destiny, and lust. working.

love, lies, fame, and my curse

it is hard for me to remember what love was all about. you know, butterflies in your stomach love. i'll bet that is why mrs. squirrel hasn't come back. i lack the romantic. flowers? poetry? i don't know if i want you to believe i am special, or know that i am no different than you, does either belief help? anyone? i'll tell you what I can't believe, that it is Tuesday already. at this point i'll worry about just about anything rather than to start writing that damn vampire trilogy. but it is what the fools want. and I am but your slave. i squirrel: my curse, my genius; my gift, myself.

gigolo

sorry for the delay in posting, but i have been on a self-imposed sequestration. sure, i fancy myself a renaissance squirrel. a squirrel of many letters. and one of those talents is definitely the pen and prose. So, imagine my disgust as yet another "writer" makes a million bucks (it was in the newspaper yesterday) writing about vampires, trolls, or werewolves. hey, I don't blame the writer. I blame readers, you idiots out there who read the shite. so, true to my banner - a three part series is in your future, because all of these stories drag out in trilogies. It will have a vampire or vampire-like protagonist/antagonist, and some unrequited love, and i'll probably throw in some witches, trolls, werewolves and maybe a leprechaun, except the only chick i know whoever dug leprechauns was my grandmother...shout out to you grandpa, you little Irish butt-gas. anyway, I know in order to sell a book these days, you have to appeal to the LCHD (lowest common half-literate denominator), and i want my million bucks, I want my house back, i want my pool back, i want my Chagall back...part 1 with some ridiculously good-looking, blood-sucking, soul-challenged, self-tortured moron(s)... soon. give the idiots what they want, i am saying. i will post it for free, but when it gets made into a movie, I want my money.