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I bought a brand new telephoto lens yesterday. You know i tried to use ebay and gave up. Ebay is the worst; what happened in the last few years to make everybody think their junk is so valuable? No good deals anymore. I know, try Craigslist, but I heard everyone who uses Craigslist gets killed in their sleep by Craig. It's probably just a rumor. Anyway, it was Saturday in the late afternoon, I am out with my new lens and I see this idiot deer walking around and I am thinking to myself, "hey idiot, you are lucky your ancestors took care of your natural selection obligations, because if you didn't blend in with your surroundings so good, you'd be a bullet holder." I think, sort of, hard-nosed like that because I am a squirrel from the hard-knocks side of the street. BTW I know the photo is a little blurry, but jeezus, you've seen my hands, a 600mm telephoto lens is a bitch for me to handhold. Yeah baby, it is that big. I think I need a tripod. Speaking of, I kicked my girlfriend out last week. I'll check on Ebay for a tripod. You know, since I got out of jail, i have just been a little lost, nobody wants to hire a squirrel with a felony conviction, or really even without a felony conviction. If you are a squirrel and you can't ride a surfboard being pulled by a remote controlled boat - you don't work in this town. Let me sum it up, Wife - don't know anymore, anything. Kids - ?, maybe another one on the way, the girlfriend I kicked out was acting a bit nesty. Neighbors - ugh. Future - ?, jimmy doesn't seem to be biting on the "squirrel cap" business plan. Sorry loyal blog readers, I know no one wants to read the meanderings of a unmedicated squirrel who has not successfully re-integrated into civilian life, but you are all I've got. I get the deer now, hiding in the open. Camouflaged but completely vulnerable. He is me, except he doesn't have new telephoto lens...or a potentially pregnant girlfriend who will not stop knocking on the door. i gotta go.

squirrel cap

jimmy, your last post was so depressing, and i care about you, so, i thought i'd let in on the ground floor of something B-I-G. jimmy, i was taking a stroll around outside your house and i found this perfectly good squirrel cap near the road. It was a little dirty, but i cleaned it off and...what do you think? Pretty sharp, no? I think it makes me look rather dashing. I can't believe someone threw it out. Must have been a prototype? anyway, i think this may have been a bit of kismet, as even though i've never seen a squirrel wear a hat, when I found this beauty, I said to myself, what else could this be? It fits perfectly, and now, it has gotten my business juices flowing...i think squirrrel hats are ready to make a big fashion comeback - and i want to be the guy to sell you one. Sure, i got a warehouse full of unsold "free the squirrel" mugs and t-shirts, but I have a real good feeling about this idea. find a manufacturer. raise some capital. squirrel caps. B-I-N-G-O. ground floor, jimmy- it's not everyday something like this falls in your lap.

party at jimmy's!

so, jimmy, the wife and kids left in the mini-van for a day at grandma's...and about 20 minutes later, these fine young ladies show up on your beach furniture. So, of course, I snapped a photo, and am posting on my blog. what is this all about? are they business consultants? not-quite-so-old friends from college? or just maybe, three crazy gold digging chicks looking to bleed an old married guy, long past a prime he never had, out of every last penny he has stashed away? not that i care, but i did notice the ladies disappeared shortly after your cell phone rang and shortly before the old "ball and chain" pulled into the driveway. coincidence, or one sick and twisted old man? jimmy, they don't love you. oh, and what is up with the holes in the bottom of their feet? never mind, i don't want to know.

oh yeah, and i'll bet grandma would love to know that this little Spring Break Beach Party is what you meant by, "sorry nammy, can't make it out to see you today with the family, i need to stay home to fix a leaking sump pump hose...big leak, big all-day job...miss you, love you."

jimmy, jimmy, jimmy...love?

I went to jail for showing off my goods (and they are, goods). Is justice dead?

i think it is safe to say that a civil society would not tolerate the headline written as it appears in the newspaper article above. How about this for a headline..."Homicidal, Crazy, Stupid Son-of-a-Bitch - who should now be put jail for the rest of his miserable life - attemped to murder an innocent squirrel family as they got ready to sit down for a quiet evening."? Or no, let me guess, somehow this was all the squirrel's fault...yeah, sure, the squirrel-smoker was "nerve wracked" so, "displacing" a squirrel family is all okay? You people disgust me; time for you all to take long look in the mirror and accept a little responsibility for this world you propagate with blame and disease. Where is the outrage? Don't look around, look within. And now tell me, where is the outrage?

"little arse monkey" could be a compliment, right? it probably wasn't, but why get hung up on details? feck it, i'm irish!

whoa, passed out already. i woke up and grabbed my cell to text this before i forgot what a prophet said to me about 20 minutes, or so, ago, "fer chrissakes ye plonker, that's a sippin' whiskey...shite almighty." i'm going back in.

kiss my blarney nut

The photo is a close up of the socks I am wearing today, nice huh.

sometimes a squirrel just needs to get a little squeaky, and that day just might be today. i am pretty sure i am not irish, i think i am north american, but, well that raises a lot of questions, well not a lot, just one, but i forgot what it was, where was i? oh yes, getting my squeak on. Happy Saint Patrick's day.

a squirrel looks at the meaning of life and God - for an obviously distraught friend

i stand on the ground, and sometimes push up into the sky.
no one pushes back, but i don't fall off the earth.

now jimmy, with that, I have answered all you need to know about life and God, so quit writing about God like you expect an answer, and just smile jimmy. A smile helps hide your stupidity, without betraying your cluelessness. A smile is the truth worth keeping.
you're welcome. i need a nap.

road trip

middle of the night and i am awake. i had a dream about a friend of mine and me driving to Vegas, but we ended up at Argonne National Laboratory, but it was in Batavia (i saw the water tower), which would clearly be Fermilab, so i was kind of confused, but then flashing red lights, like airport landing lights, started going off all around us on the street and a jumbo jet landed right in front of us, so we headed out in his car again, and now i was in the back seat and my friend reached back to hand me two sticks of gum and i don't know who was riding shotgun now and somehow we ended up (minus whoever was in the front seat) in our high school parking lot where some chipmunks were showing us homemade BB guns made out of compressed air canisters but then one of the chipmunks tried to take a pocketknife out of my pocket so i kicked at him and then it turns out i actually kicked my real-life nightstand so i woke up and now my toe hurts like heck and i started to think about all the crap in my life and couldn't fall back to sleep, so i got up when i absolutely had to poop, but what really really ticks me off is that i got cheated out of a trip to Vegas. And once it's gone, that's the kind of good time you can't get back.

i am working on a lot of things, this is just another one

i am a novelist. this is a short novella. it is a cold war era spy thriller packed with sexual intrigue and charged with sociopolitical insight. I suggest you get cozy with a blanket and your favorite tea...

it was night.
they met.
"a brass monkey cannot see" she whispered into his ear.
"and a stale-mate is to be avoided" he answered.
they then engaged in randiness.
the free world remained free.
for now.
well, no less free than it was before they met.
in the night.

nobody knows the troubles i can't see

my apartment is infested with ghosts. they're like frickin' termites around here. poltergeists - playful pain in my furry ass. i gotta move. most of my ex-wife's dead relatives are living here with me now. be gone. shoo. go to the goddarn light already. maybe if I can convince them it's the light from a walmart or a motel 6, then they'll go to the light. go to the light.

thoughts while cooking dirt

I hate dogs. Dogs and cops. Both loyal to their masters. Chase the squirrel. Arrest the squirrel. Why not? Why? Good god. Idiots.

your choice, my pleasure

i was out in the yard with my camera, not my yard, because my yard is now owned by the corporate overlords...but rather, a yard, and this painted thing caught my eye. when i frame something with my sensibility and in my camera's viewfinder, i am telling you what is important, you can agree, and enjoy my brilliance and your good judgement, or you can disagree and be miserable and stew in your repugnant ignorance. i waste too much time worrying about how stupid you may be. when i put it into words like that, it seems like a real mistake for me to care about you. good, that's one more concern i don't need to have. enjoy this photo, my fellow genius. or don't, idiot.

i'm working on a lot of things, and this is just one

i am a song writer. this is a song...to the tune of the "star-spangled banner"...

baby, i've got a two-lane heart,
do-wah,
a one-way wiener,
uh-ha,
and a do-not-enter anus,
sho-be-do,
baby,
sho-be do.

I could make a list, but let's see how long it takes her to fix this, before I waste any more of my time on improving her

You know what I don't like about my girlfriend? Every damn thing.

dingly?

OMG this is priceless... jimmywrites 28FEB2011. Your pointless ramblings have only become more pointless since you last posted, who knew that "more pointless" was even possible? Me! Because I believed in you jimmy. You are back, and so am I. Thank you jimmy. And, BTW, I can see in your backyard and you are not building a rocket...jimmywrites 1MAR2011. So is that your attempt at metaphor? You brilliant wart. And I was going to make fun of your tax trouble, but I had a bit of that myself, so...how about we start from there? A new beginning from common ground. A new beginning. All this love in the air makes me feel tingly in my dingly. WooHoo! Welcome back jimmy.