nothing comes easy (except a squirrel in springtime)

This is screen shot my accountant sent me from my squirrelwrites storefront - today. Have I failed to mention that you all suck? Apparently telling potential customers they suck is not a "call to action." I got a B+ in my Marketing 101 class at community college so you should figure I pretty much know all there is to know about selling you stuff you don't know you need...yet! See how I did that? (the question mark is rhetorical, dumbass, I'm gonna tell you...) I drew you in, and then...Whammo! That's marketing. BTW, a B+ was the top grade in my class (bell curve? - my cold furry ass) and I could have gotten into marketing as a profession, but instead, I saw a brighter future in peeing on stuff, and here we are. Anyway whether you grease traps buy anything or not, my marketing skills are unparalleled, and I refuse to let my talent wither (that's a line I once used on mrs. squirrel). So, I am about to unveil a squirrelwrites based charity-like program to potentially help out my friend cardin

stir

good god, my head hurts. I wish I could blame no smokes or coffee, but I know this one is squarely on stress and fatigue. No money from my squirrelwrites storefront - screw all of you! You know what? Simply, I need to get out of prison. When I was a child, I used to dream of being an astronaut, or a shadow - and now, 2 years later, as I enter my golden years, I still wish I were something I am not. Anything but me, here, in this piss-hole. Damn you FCC! To hell with jimmy! Go to hell mrs. squirrel! All of you can smoke my turds, because when I get out, and I'm gonna get out, and when I do, I am coming for all of you, one at a time, each one gets squirrel justice dispensed on you - plop, plop. here i

twig and berries

For the ladies. Past, Present, and Future.

there's frost on my pumpkin

Squirrels are known for their literality, their nuts, and their disproportionately large brains. Tomorrow I am going to post a photo of my twig and berries.

sons-of-bitches, son-of-a-bitch's, life's full of important quandaries

you should be thinking I have been too busy to write, too busy shuffling money around from my storefront to my team of lawyers. But that would not be the case, my readers are cheap bastards (that's you, BTW). The only up side to my predicament is that the t-shirt model found out I don't have any money (and I am in prison), and dropped the lawsuit (bitch). In summary: as you get older (and at 2 1/2 years old, I've seen my share of winters), whether in a prison cell or free, disgusting things start to happen to you - like uncontrollable flatulence, droopy eyelids, and a steady stream of liquid that pools up in the end of your nose that you can't feel until it forms a drop and is about to fall...and soon you will be dead. too soon. but too dead to care. So, try to enjoy today, and tonight, and forget about yesterday, it sucked anyway, and in spite of all the prior evidence you have to the contrary, figure tomorrow might be okay, really, it could be, heck, go ahead and count on it, why not, it's just a bunch a bastards keeping you from enjoying your life anyway, why give them the pleasure? Screw 'em, have a good day, and watch them pretend they are happy for you. They certainly are a-holes, but smile back at them anyway, it's how we cope - wherever four walls surround us. I am going to sleep now, on my back, cause that is how we sleep in prison...Buy a god damn bumper sticker you cheap son-of-a-bitch's.

bumperstickers, coffee mugs, t-shirts, etc. all available for purchase by clicking on the following link:

squirrelwrites

a portion of your purchase may go to squirrels defense fund...or toward cigarettes, or court-ordered child support, hard to say exactly. Note: to see the "F the Man" versions at the storefront, you need to create a username (free), login, and give yourself a PG-13 rating. Hey, guess which chick is suing me (bitch).

i had to smoke

look, I got a little off track and had to take Monday to smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette. After a couple of drags, I felt better and got all nostalgic about my old telephone pole (hence yesterday's post). What I really wanted to do was launch my website yesterday, but now my "New York Pro Bono Ad Agency" has encountered some legal problems, and one of the clothing models (there is clothing involved with my store) claims I made inappropriate advances, which would be hard to do from prison (bitch), and the launch is delayed another day, and that means - if I want to announce the launch tomorrow - no nicotine for my bloodstream. And I am just more than a little on edge. I swear I hate being addicted, but I just don't have the will power, on again, off again, cold turkey, lies to myself, its just a cigarette, I mean it's not crac

poles, bolts and wires

Wow, I really miss this place. You can't imagine. Well maybe you can imagine, but I do know you don't know. And if you do know, you don't understand. If you do understand, then please ask yourself why are you have been quietly letting me sit in a cage for the last 10 months, allowing me to pay a debt only a government could owe? You are better off just admitting you can't imagine.

god-damn-it

This is just bullshit, I can't even finish a thought. You don't want to know how I had to "earn" an extra 5 minutes of internet time in the same day; however, let me at least say, I have new bald spot. If you can avoid prison, I suggest you do so. Anyway, my new slogan - thanks to some pro-bono work from an advertising agency in New-FunKing-York (pretty cool huh? - they like the weather thing I guess) - is "I write crap for idiots." Let that tumble around in your gall-bladder for a while and see if you pass it. I'll tell you right now, I love it. I think this whole thing is turning arou

ok two straight days without a cigarette and i haven't killed anyone, yet

I ran out of time yesterday to explain that I am getting a storefront together to raise money for my legal defense fund. I think it will be up and running by tomorrow. I will try to post a link or something, but I have to tell you that I really, really, really want to smoke. I did get a photo from my friend Bluehead. He was dissapointed that I didn't post his photo with Yellowhead and Redhead. So, here it is, another one of my friends who is worried I didn't post his photo, but not worried enough to visit me, or send money. That all better change soon. Oh, by the way, I have a new slogan, and I need to unvail it here before it shows up in the store - this is my new blog slogan: "I write

let's play ball, hardball

I need a lawyer, bottom line. I thought this proud squirrel (me, you idiots) could handle "the man" on my own, represent myself, with dignity. But alas, I've discovered, once you are a part of this penal system, you are playing their game and the only way out is to play with their balls. I need a decent lawyer soon. I've got to get through this parole hearing in April, so I have come up with a way to raise money for my legal defense fun

no more

I never wanted to write a diary, I was just here to offer a counterpoint to jimmy's self-indulgent drivel. But now, here I sit rotting in a prison cell for nothing more than being me, and sharing a view to that - a view for which I should be revered, cherished, and perhaps even worshipped. Anyway, here in the joint, you live or die by rumor, and rumor has it that my parole hearing is a farce, they have no intention of letting me out. I am done being a patsy, I am tired of being abused, tired of not havin

i gave up a smoke for this, it wasn't worth it

I think I already said this, but everyday is a choice for me, cigarettes or internet or nothing. if I am writing, I am not smoking, that puts me a little on edge, I'm told. I have a parole hearing in April and I'm really not sure if my wife was pregnant and had our kid (assuming it is mine), I don't know how her sister is doing, I am not sure about my house, did anyone drain the pool? and it all just made me wonder when i woke up this morning, miserable and alone, if I wasn't better off in jail, because compared to being out there with the rest of you, "miserable and alone" might just be an improvement.