la de da

I have just been marking time until my parole hearing (Sept. 12), kind of going through the same ups and downs as always, when I got a real boost from an unlikely source. My nemesis, arch-enemy, jimmy, sends me an email that I think must be a real turning point for the guy. I want to share it, because I will admit, I did not think there was any hope for an incorrigible scoundrel of his ilk, and yet - I think I was wrong. He is offering an olive branch. Read for yourself...

"Dear squirrel, I know you may be getting out on Sept. 12th. Just thought you should know that it will officially be squirrel season from Sept. 1 until...oh well, don't worry about how long after that, because come September 12, we'll celebrate together. I can hardly wait to get my sights on you. hugs and kisses, jimmy"

Well, blow me over with a whisper! Squirrel Season! Sounds like a holiday time for celebration, finally some real recognition. I haven't heard much about an official proclamation here in prison, but if we squirrels are finally being properly admired - I say, about time! Every season should be squirrel season, but hey, we'll start small. Anyway, I just thought I would speak up to say it looks like jimmy is not such a bad guy after all, and I am squirrel enough to say so. Hey, I wonder if I can be the ambassador of squirrel season? Is it a national holiday or just local? Gosh, this is all so exciting...freedom here I come!

absurd

Why is there anything? I know I am not the first squirrel to ponder the imponderable, but jumping-jesus-with-a-furry-tail, it just doesn't make any sense, I mean even if a squirrel's life is no more meaningful than that of a rock, then what about rocks? Why do they float in space? Why is there space? If squirrels don't matter, why have space? Why is there anything?
Destiny? Ridiculous. Rocks in Space? Equally ridiculous. Ridiculousness? Absurd as a sweet-smelling turd. I am destined to die penniless and right. A dried, curled up carcass next to jimmy's house waiting to be shoveled into the next nothing.
Warden, okay, get me out of this prison, I choose freedom - I choose it now, let me out. I have eternity for nothing, I have right now for me. Me, me, me. I am tired of always thinking of others. September 12th is going to start the new golden age of squirrel. From now on, B sharp or B flattened - (music humor) that's squirrelwrites copyrighted...any of you jackasses want to buy that on a mug?

tweet tweet

I get called in to see the warden and he says to me "ya know squirrel, you're a funny guy." and of course I predictably retort "well, do you mean funny, laugh out loud, haha funny, or funny, curious and strange funny?" and the warden answers shortly, "both."
He continues, "squirrel, around here, funny is not appreciated. Funny is a problem. Funny makes people uncomfortable. All types of funny. I read your last post on the internet, and you are not staying here. Your parole hearing will happen on the 12th, with or without you. You will be paroled. You will leave, and if you ever come back, I will have you remove a section of your own large intestine, and I will personally make you suck dirt through it for 24 hours day until you die. Now go take some pictures of flowers, or some other sissie bullshit that you do, and shut the hell up until the day I finally get you and that teeny little pecker of yours out of my jail."
Well, I don't think I need to say it out loud, but I am going to anyway. My feelings are hurt, and I don't even have a bird.